


finding home again

by onlyeverthus



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2016-02-16
Packaged: 2018-05-14 20:01:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5756386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlyeverthus/pseuds/onlyeverthus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clara is kidnapped on an unfamiliar planet, and when Rose and the Doctor finally rescue her, they discover that she's been subjected to numerous tests and experiments, and more alarmingly, seems to be afraid of the Doctor. Now Rose and the Doctor must help Clara heal, and hope that their relationship can survive this trauma.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for mentions of abuse and torture, and PTSD.

Clara flexed her wrists against the binds holding her down, her eyes trained on the ceiling. The light was low, but she knew as soon as _they_ came back, the ceiling would brighten to an almost blinding white, and the tests would begin again.

She could hear almost constant sounds outside of her room, footsteps and doors opening and closing, muffled chatter, various beeps and buzzers. The facility had seemed massive from the outside, in the brief glimpse she got before they grabbed her, and she imagined there were other people here, held prisoner just like her.

Sometimes, she thought she heard screams.

There were marks all over her body from needles and probes. They had taken things from her, and put things inside of her, and she wondered how long she had been here. She had a feeling it wasn't nearly as long as she thought it was. How much longer would all of this go on? How much longer would she have to lie here, strapped naked to this cold, metal table? She wondered if, eventually, they would kill her.

Sometimes, she almost hoped they would.

Every once in a while she found herself daydreaming – or maybe hallucinating; she couldn't tell them apart anymore – about Rose and the Doctor coming to save her. Sometimes she remembered the beings grabbing her outside the TARDIS, remembered the Doctor screaming her name just before everything went black. Were they still here? Would they come rescue her? Her throat ached as tears welled in her eyes.

The situation was dire, the tests and experiments they performed on her torture, and what made it even worse was what they looked like. Or rather, _who_ they looked like.

Footsteps sounded again, growing louder as they moved closer to her room, and she swallowed hard, wondering what they would do to her this time. Her thighs clenched at the thought of them using the probe again, and she wished she could close them, hating lying here completely exposed like this, but there were metal braces around her ankles as well, keeping her legs apart. She'd been lying on this table since they brought her here, unable to sleep on account of something they had given her, and all she had to look at were smooth, white walls and gleaming steel tools and surgical instruments and machines against the wall by the door. Even the ceiling was perfectly smooth; it appeared to be one huge light, so there were tiles, no fixtures, nothing for her to distract herself with when they were in here, using her body for their tests.

The door slid open with a whoosh, the ceiling light flared to its full brilliance, and she turned her head to the side as she squeezed her eyes shut.

"Oh, Clara," she heard a familiar voice gasp, and in spite of herself, she felt a spark of hope. Her eyes opened, still narrowed against the bright light, and as her vision cleared, she saw a familiar blonde standing over her, her brow creased in concern.

"Rose?" Clara croaked. She almost couldn't believe this was real, and for a brief moment, she feared it wasn't; they had given her things that made her hallucinate before, so maybe –

"S'me," Rose replied, giving a shaky smile as she lifted her hand to Clara's face. "We're getting you out of here."

Clara's hope returned at Rose's touch, tears filling her eyes as she began to tremble, and a soft buzzing filled the room. Clara turned her head to see the Doctor bent over beside her, using the sonic screwdriver to undo the binding around her right wrist, and when he lifted his head to look at her, fear blossomed inside of her.

"No!" she exclaimed. "No, it's a trick!"

Rose and the Doctor shared a confused look, and Rose shook her head.

"What's a trick?"

"You're not real; you just want to do more tests –"

"Of course we're real, Clara," Rose assured her as the Doctor moved down to the cuff around her ankle. "We're real, and we're going to take you back to the TARDIS."

"No, don't touch me!" Clara cried, eyes wide as the Doctor placed his hand on her leg to gently remove it from the shackle. She kicked at him, scraping her leg on the metal cuff in the process, and he jumped back.

"Clara!" Rose said sharply. "We're here to help you!"

"No," Clara sobbed. "No, he – he just wants to do more tests –"

"Nobody's going to do any tests," Rose murmured. "We have to get you out of here, okay?"

Clara stared at Rose, tears streaming down her cheeks, and then lifted her gaze to the ceiling. Everything was so confusing. Rose was here, and she seemed real enough, but then there was _him_ , and she couldn't trust him.

"Rose," he was saying. "We have to get her out of here before they come back."

"Give me the screwdriver," Rose said.

The buzzing filled the air again, and when Clara looked down, she saw Rose focused on the cuff around her other foot. The Doctor stood back, his expression worried as he looked at Clara, and she gave him the barest of glances before turning her head away; she couldn't stand to look at him for too long.

Rose moved to the final cuff, and when Clara was free, she didn't move until Rose reached for her hands.

"Can you stand?" she asked, carefully pulling Clara to a sitting position.

"I don't know," Clara murmured.

"Let's try," Rose replied, sliding her arm around Clara's waist and easing her off the table. She stepped back, but the moment Clara's legs tried to support her, they gave out, and Rose hurried to grab her again as she started to fall.

"Doctor, can you –"

He started forward, but Clara's eyes widened yet again, and she pushed against Rose.

"No, no, don't touch me! Don't let him take me, Rose, please –"

"Clara –" Rose began, struggling to maintain her grip on the other girl.

The Doctor's expression was pained as he stood in place, and then he shook his head as he moved towards her.

"Clara, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but we don't have time."

He raised his hands to touch his fingers to her temples, and in the next instant, she was unconscious, slumped in Rose's arms. Rose glared at him, and he shrugged helplessly.

"I'll revive her when we get back to the TARDS. There was just no way we were going to get her out of here. She wouldn't let me get close, and she's too heavy for you to carry."

"Especially now," Rose muttered, grunting a little at the effort of holding Clara up.

The Doctor quickly shrugged off his overcoat, and he and Rose wrapped it around Clara's body before he lifted her into his arms. They slipped from the room and hurried through the corridors, heading back the way they came.

The darkness was still in their favor when they emerged from the complex, and they rushed back to the TARDIS as fast as they could.

As soon as they were inside, the Doctor took Clara to the infirmary to lay her down, and then dashed back out to get them off this godforsaken planet. Once they were a safe distance away, idling in space, he and Rose went back to the infirmary to tend to Clara.

True to his word, the Doctor revived Clara, and she jerked away from him instantly, her expression fearful as she looked at him.

"Where am I?" she asked, her gaze darting to Rose.

"The TARDIS," Rose replied. "You're safe now, Clara."

"Not – not with him here," Clara said, shaking her head. "I want him out."

"Clara –" the Doctor began.

"Get out!" she screamed.

Rose quickly shoved the Doctor from the room, closing the door as she stepped into the corridor with him.

"I have to examine her –"

"She's not going to let you touch her. Tell me what to do."

The Doctor heaved a sigh. "There's a scanner in the bottom cupboard. The first setting will check for superficial injuries, skin deep stuff. Most of the cuts and marks on her body don't look serious, but the scanner will tell you if any are. Setting two is for bones, make sure nothing's broken. Setting three is like... an ultrasound. It'll show you her organs, and tell you if anything's wrong."

Rose nodded, and slipped back into the infirmary, tightly closing the door behind her.

Clara sat on the examination table, naked again, the Doctor's coat in a heap on the floor. She was hunched over, her arms wrapped around her torso, her knees pressed together and her toes linked.

Rose said her name softly as she stepped forward, and Clara lifted her head, her eyes brimming with tears as she stared at Rose.

"This is real?"

Rose nodded. "It's real. You're back in the TARDIS, and you're perfectly safe now."

Clara's chin quivered as she ducked her head, and Rose moved closer to her, wanting to comfort her but not sure if she should. Her fingertips brushed against Clara's knees, and when Clara's arms unfolded from around her body, the two women moved closer together, Clara's arms sliding around Rose's neck, clinging to her as she began to sob.

"It's real," Rose said softly, holding Clara tightly. "You're safe now, Clara, I promise."

 

The Doctor stood just outside the infirmary door, listening to what was going on inside, and when he heard Clara begin to cry, he leaned forward, closing his eyes as he rested his forehead against the wall.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for mentions (and brief descriptions) of abuse and torture, and PTSD.

For two days, neither Rose nor the Doctor saw much of Clara. Clara and Rose occasionally met in the kitchen at mealtimes, but Clara seemed to be actively avoiding the Doctor, and it was confusing for both him and Rose.

Rose had been trying to give Clara some space, but she was starting to think that she needed to try to see if she could get Clara to open up to her.

The trouble was _finding_ her. She had no idea where Clara went when she wasn't eating; she never seemed to be in her room when Rose looked, and with the TARDIS being as big as it was, there was no telling where she could possibly be.

After some time of wandering the corridors, Rose sighed, her arms falling to her sides as she gazed aimlessly around.

"Help me, please," she murmured, to nobody in particular. A beat passed, and then there was a barely perceptible shift in the air; when Rose looked at the wall in front of her, a door had appeared, and she almost smiled. The library. Of course.

She stepped into the room, staring around at the impossibly high stacks, and called out, "Clara? It's me."

Rose could make out the rustling of pages turning, and Clara called back, "I'm up here."

Rose followed the sound of Clara's voice, and climbed a ladder to her right, ending up on a landing. The page rustling grew louder as Rose moved forward, and she finally saw Clara, seated on the floor with a large book open in her lap.

"What're you reading?" Rose asked, smiling as she walked forward and sank down in front of Clara.

"Um, I think it's a book of fairytales from some other planet," Clara murmured, flipping to the cover, which portrayed a tall, three headed creature extending something to a small rabbit-like creature.

"I've been looking all over for you," Rose said. "I thought you might be in your room –"

"I haven't been able to sleep," Clara replied, her eyes still on the book in her lap. "Something they gave me – back there. I guess it hasn't worn off yet."

A brief silence fell, and then Rose shifted a little closer.

"What happened, Clara?"

Clara's gaze met Rose's briefly, and she shook her head. "How long was I gone?"

"Three days."

"God," Clara breathed, her shoulders slumping as she lifted her head, fully meeting Rose's eyes. "Is that all? It felt like – like weeks. Months. Like – like eternity."

Rose toyed with the cuff of her jeans, and said, "The – the Doctor said they were like... scientists. They like to do experiments and stuff on other species, to see how they work."

Clara nodded. "Experiments. Tests. They – they took things from me. Blood, hair, saliva." She pressed her hand to her abdomen, tears welling in her eyes. "I think they even took some of my – some of my eggs."

Rose bit down on her lip, feeling her throat beginning to tighten.

"I was awake the entire time," Clara continued. "I didn't sleep. I couldn't. They gave me some kind of shot right when I got there, after they took my clothes and strapped me to that stupid table. I felt _everything_ , every needle and every probe, every stupid instrument they used. And it was like they always touching me, just _touching_ me everywhere." She sniffled and shook her head. "I've never felt so violated in my entire life."

Rose sniffled too, and scooted closer to Clara, tentatively reaching for her hands. Clara let her take them, and Rose squeezed her fingers.

"They gave me stuff too. Mostly shots. Some of it made me hallucinate. That's why I wasn't sure if you were real, I thought it was just another drug they were giving me."

Clara took a deep breath, her eyebrows knitting together, and Rose's heart ached at her expression. Few things hurt more than seeing Clara sad.

"What made it all so much worse was that they looked like the Doctor."

Rose's eyes widened. "What?"

"Not exactly, they weren't like clones or something, but they all resembled him so strongly. The hair, the general features. They – they said it was to – to make me more comfortable, but –"

"That's why you got scared when you saw him," Rose said softly.

Clara nodded, tears rolling down her cheeks. "And why I keep avoiding him now. I can't look at him without thinking about _them_ , remembering those hands on me, hands so much like his, brown eyes staring down at me..."

Clara shuddered, and Rose squeezed her fingers again.

"Will you tell him?" Clara asked earnestly. "That I still love him, and it's not his fault?"

"I will," Rose promised. "He'll understand."

Clara nodded, her gaze falling to the book in her lap, and then she looked back at Rose. "Sit with me for a bit?"

"Sure," Rose replied with a smile.

Clara shifted over and Rose moved to sit beside her, reaching for the book of fairytales. She opened it across their laps, and they spent the next few hours reading together.

The growling of their stomachs told them it was dinner time, and they headed for the kitchen. They cooked their meal together, and Rose was glad to see a little glimmer of Clara's old self returning. She knew it would take some time for Clara to move past what she'd been through, but Rose, and hopefully eventually the Doctor, would be there to help her.

After they ate, Clara headed for her room to take a shower, while Rose went in search of the Doctor. She found him in the console room, tinkering underneath the floor like he tended to do when he was bored or restless. She knew he was itching to go have an adventure, but he was trying to give Clara time, and also trying to deal with her sudden fear of him.

"Hey," Rose said as she settled on the floor, letting her feet hang down through the open hatch.

The Doctor looked up, startled, and his expression relaxed when he saw it was her. "Hey. Where have you been?"

"In the library with Clara."

"Oh." He hesitated, and then raised his eyebrows. "How is she?"

Rose considered the question a moment. "She's... trying to deal with it, I s'pose is the best way to put it. She told me what they did, tests and experiments... I can't believe she had to go through that." Tears stung her eyes, and she shook her head. "I can't even imagine what it must've been like, especially..."

Rose trailed off, thinking about what Clara had told her about the aliens, and the Doctor shifted closer.

"Especially what?"

Rose looked down at her hands, absentmindedly swinging her feet back and forth, and took a breath.

"She said – she said they looked like you. Not – not exactly, they weren't clones or whatever, but the resemblance was strong enough –"

"That's why she's afraid of me," he whispered.

"Yeah. She wanted me to tell you that it's not your fault, and that she still loves you. I think she just needs some time."

The Doctor nodded, his expression crestfallen, and Rose stretched her arm towards him, wiggling her fingers. He took her hand and allowed her to pull him closer, and she rested her hands on his shoulders.

"We'll get her back. We just need to give her some space."

The Doctor nodded again. "I just miss her. I don't like the idea of her being afraid of me. Especially knowing that it's my fault –"

"It won't last, and it's not your fault," Rose assured him, bending to kiss the top of his head as his arms circled her waist.

They held each other for a long moment, and then Rose sat up.

"You destroyed all the samples they took from her, right?"

"Yeah. I don't think there would've been any others, they're rather rigid about their organization."

"Okay, I wanted to tell her that, see if it made her feel any better." Rose touched a soft kiss to the Doctor's lips, and then pushed to stand, announcing she was going to bed.

When she reached her room, she heard sounds from Clara's room a little ways down the corridor, and moved to investigate. Clara was in bed, appearing to have just settled under the covers, and Rose smiled as she leaned against the door frame.

"Going to bed?"

Clara looked up at her, and the corner of her mouth rose. "Yeah, after I showered, I realized I actually felt really tired, so I figured I'd give it a shot. Gonna read until I hopefully fall asleep."

"I'm going to bed too. If you need me, you know where I am." Clara nodded, and Rose smiled again. "Night, Clara. Love you."

Clara smiled too, that soft, sweet smile that Rose had fallen in love with. "Love you too."

 

The piercing scream woke Rose with a start, and she sat up, staring wildly around her room. She felt disoriented, and started to wonder if the scream had been in her dream, when she heard it again.

"Clara," she breathed, throwing the covers aside and scrambling out of bed. She hurried down the hall to Clara's room and opened the door to see Clara thrashing around in bed, and when she turned on the light, could see that Clara's eyes were tightly closed, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"No!" she screamed. "No more, please!"

Rose rushed to the bed and said Clara's name, staring anxiously down at her.

"Clara, wake up, it's Rose!" She was afraid to touch Clara, worried that it might set her off even more, and felt tears in her eyes as she watched Clara struggle against her nightmare.

Rose said Clara's name again, and suddenly Clara's eyes snapped open, her breathing heavy as her gaze darted around the room.

"Where are they?" she asked in a panicked voice as she sat up.

"They're not here," Rose assured her. "It was a nightmare. You're safe on the TARDIS."

Clara began to cry, and Rose climbed into bed beside her, pulling her into her arms.

"They had me again," Clara sobbed, clinging to Rose. "They had me strapped to that damn table, and they were doing things to me again."

"You're safe," Rose murmured soothingly, stroking Clara's hair. "You're safe. I promise you."

Clara sniffled loudly, trembling as she maintained her tight grip on Rose, and Rose pressed a kiss to her head.

"Stay with me," Clara whispered.

"I'm here," Rose promised. "I'm not going anywhere. You and me, Clara Bell."

Clara gave a sniffly laugh. "I hate when you call me that."

Rose smiled against her hair. "I know, but now you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it's really me, and you're really safe."

Clara nodded, taking a deep breath as she snuggled closer to Rose, and Rose kissed her head again, gently combing her fingers through the other girl's hair.

 

The Doctor sat in the silence of his bedroom, staring moodily at the wall. He'd heard Clara screaming, and on instinct, had started to rush to her room, but then he remembered the way things were now. Remembered that she was afraid of him.

Just thinking about it made his stomach churn, and he swallowed as he ran a hand over his mouth. He knew Rose was with her right now, comforting her, and he was glad for it, but it didn't make it hurt any less.

It was his fault, really. He shouldn't have brought them to that planet, shouldn't have let Clara come with him outside when they landed, but she was always so curious, and the domed citadel was too intriguing for either of them to resist. It had all happened so fast, he had walked behind the TARDIS to survey more of the landscape, and then Clara had cried out. He'd dashed around in time to see her struggling against three tall, humanoid beings, and she screamed for him when she saw him.

"Clara!" he shouted, rushing towards her, but then something hit him, like a jolt of electricity right in the center of his chest, and he'd been thrown back. By the time he got back to his feet, Clara was gone, and he dashed back inside the TARDIS.

Rose had been hysterical when he told her what happened, demanding they go after Clara right then and there, but he had convinced her to wait. They hadn't known anything about the planet, or its inhabitants, and going in blind wouldn't have been good for them or Clara.

They spent three days learning as much as they could about the planet, finding blueprints and schematics of the buildings within the dome. Rose barely slept, and it got to the point where the Doctor almost had to force her to take a sleeping pill and go to bed.

Finding Clara had been such a relief, but she wouldn't let him near her, and he couldn't understand why. He knew the planet's inhabitants could shape shift, but he never would've dreamed they'd go so far as to impersonate him, and now Clara was afraid of him. Now Clara couldn't even stand to be in the same room with him, and it was entirely his fault.

Sitting forward in the chair, the Doctor rested his elbows on his knees and covered his face with his hands, his hearts heavy with guilt and sorrow.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for mentions (and brief descriptions) of abuse and torture, and PTSD.

Clara sighed as she crossed her arms over the edge of the pool and rested her chin on them. "I'm bored."

Rose frowned as she squeezed water from her hair. "Bored? I don't think we've explored even half of the TARDIS yet."

Clara laughed as she tipped her head to the side, her cheek now pressed against her arm. "I know, but I'm just... bored of being inside. The artificial environment rooms aren't quite the same. I feel like I just need to get out. Go somewhere."

"Well, you know the Doctor will be happy to take us anywhere we want to go," Rose said with a shrug, dropping her towel to the floor as she padded over to the drinks cooler against the wall.

Clara's smile faded, and she worried the inside of her lip as she thought about the Doctor. It had been almost a month since they'd rescued her, and _god_ , she missed him, but at the same time, the thought of him still inspired a vague flutter of fear in her stomach. She hated that, hated being afraid of a man who had shown her more love and kindness and tenderness than any other man she'd ever known, and most of all, she hated those aliens for doing this to her.

"Hey," Rose said softly, cutting through Clara's thoughts. Clara looked up at her as she approached holding two cans of soda in her hands. She dragged her towel closer to Clara with her toes, and then sank down on it, crossing her legs as she set one of the cans in front of Clara. "I can talk to him if you want –"

"No," Clara murmured, shaking her head as she popped the tab. "No, I have to get past this, and I don't think avoiding him all the time is really helping. Plus, I miss him."

Rose nodded as she took a sip of her drink, and raised her eyebrows. "Okay, so let's get dressed, and decide where we want to go, and then I'll walk into the console room with you. And if you can't handle it, you can leave, and I'll tell the Doctor where we want to go. Okay?"

Clara took a breath and nodded as well. "Okay."

They walked back to their rooms, talking over where they wanted to go, and once they were dressed, headed for the console room. Clara wrapped her hand around Rose's as they got closer to it, and Rose squeezed her fingers.

"All right?" she said softly, and Clara nodded.

They stepped into the room, and Rose called out to the Doctor. He popped his head from behind the console, a broad smile crossing his face when he saw the two of them, but when he straightened and took a step towards them, Clara's breath caught, her fingers tightening around Rose's once more.

Rose moved her free hand down by her hip, gesturing for the Doctor to stop moving, and he obeyed, standing in place with his hands in his pockets. His smile had dimmed, but hadn't faded completely, and Clara forced herself to keep looking at him as Rose told him what they had discussed. He was her Doctor, the man she loved, the man who would never hurt her, and she told herself this over and over, swallowing hard against the anxiety that bubbled in her throat.

As the Doctor sprang into action to take them where they wanted to go, Rose moved to help him while Clara hung back by the railing. She watched the Doctor move, spinning around the console like he always did, and realized that though the aliens who took her had tried to replicate his appearance, they hadn't been able to copy the way the Doctor moved. There was fluidity to his body, every action confident and purposeful, while the aliens had been stiff and unsure, as if they weren't used to occupying any kind of human form.

The familiarity of the moment washed over her, and Clara felt herself relaxing, some of the tension melting from her body.

"Here we are," the Doctor announced after a couple of minutes. "Earth. London. Chips and tea and telly. All the comforts of home for a little while. Or, well, however long you want to stay," he added, glancing quickly at Clara. She bit the inside of her lip, her hands tightening on the railing behind her, and saw him swallow before he pushed back from the console.

"You two go on, I'll be there in just a tick," he said as he left the room.

Rose and Clara left the TARDIS, and Clara almost gasped as she stepped outside. The sounds, the smells, everything was so familiar; it was like she'd been smacked in the face by London.

"I think I'm gonna just... walk for a bit," she said.

Rose's eyebrows knitted together. "Want me to go with you?"

Clara shook her head. "No, I'm fine. I kind of think I want to be alone for a while. You and the Doctor spend some time together. I have my mobile; just call or text me when you're ready to leave."

Rose nodded, and Clara flashed a smile as she turned and started towards the road. Rose watched until she disappeared around a corner, and then turned when she heard the TARDIS door creak open.

"Where's Clara?" the Doctor asked as he stepped outside.

"She wanted to be alone for a bit. C'mon," Rose said, reaching for his hand. "Let's get some chips. I feel like it's been ages since I had some real London chips."

They walked in silence for a couple of minutes, and then the Doctor asked how Clara was doing.

"I was surprised to see her," he admitted.

"She's trying. She says she misses you. She's working through it on her own time, but I think she's getting there."

"I hope so," the Doctor murmured. "I miss her too. I've gotten so used to having both of you with me all the time that it feels a bit strange having it be just you and me again. My other hand is lonely," he said, waving it in front of him.

Rose smiled and squeezed his fingers. "We'll get her back."

 

Clara walked slowly down the sidewalk, hands in her pockets as she stared around.

It felt strange to be home again. She hadn't realized just how long they'd been away until she and Rose had been talking about where they wanted to go, and when Rose had suggested Earth, Clara had simply stared at her.

The suggestion should've been obvious, she thought now, but as she looked around at the familiar sights all around her, something felt off. Not wrong, just off, like revisiting your old house after moving out, and realizing that it no longer feels like home.

Still, she continued on, and after a few minutes, ended up outside of her apartment building. She stared up at it, and then pulled out her mobile to check the date. Not too long after she had met Rose and the Doctor the first time, which meant her flat should still be hers. She headed up, rummaging in her bag for her keys, and withdrew them as she came to a stop outside her door.

Once she was inside her flat, she stood a moment, just taking it all in. This felt more like home than the outside world did, but even in here, the familiarity had begun to seep away like sand in an hourglass. In theory, it had only been maybe a couple of days since she'd last been here, but in her mind, it had been so much longer. It felt like her childhood bedroom in her dad's house: there were memories here, but it was like being inside a museum exhibit about her past.

The TARDIS was her home now, with her room right next to Rose's, but even that felt strange these days, and she sighed as she shuffled into her bedroom. She slipped off her shoes and climbed into bed, cocooning herself in the sheets, and laid there for a long time, just thinking.

The sound of her phone chiming with an incoming text message from Rose roused her from her thoughts, and she pulled it from her pocket.

_Where are you?_

_My flat_ , Clara sent, and let her hand fall to the bed.

Several minutes passed, and then she heard the door to the flat open and Rose's voice calling to her.

"In here," Clara called back.

Rose pushed open the bedroom door and wordlessly kicked her shoes off before climbing into bed with Clara.

"Do you want to go back to the TARDIS?" Rose asked softly, her eyes scanning Clara's face.

"I don't know."

Rose bit her lip, and her eyebrows drew together. "Do you want to stay here?"

Clara took a shaky breath, and swallowed. "I don't know."

Rose didn't respond, instead taking Clara's hand and shifting closer to her. Clara stared at their hands joined between them, a confusing mix of emotions storming around in her chest, and lifted her gaze to meet Rose's again.

A beat passed, and then Clara leaned forward, touching her lips to Rose's in a soft kiss. Rose kissed her back, gently squeezing her fingers, and Clara felt herself moving closer to Rose, deepening the kiss as her hand slid over Rose's side.

Rose was hesitant at first, but soon gave in, lifting her hand to thread her fingers in Clara's hair as her knee worked its way between Clara's thighs.

Clara kissed her hungrily, needily, pressing against her as slipped her hand under Rose's shirt, feeling something unraveling inside of her. At the same time, a tight feeling was growing in her chest, and she broke the kiss with a gasp, shaking her head as she pulled back, though her hand stayed under Rose's shirt.

"No," she breathed, sniffling and lowering her head as tears filled her eyes. "No, I'm sorry –"

"Hey, shh," Rose whispered soothingly, stroking Clara's hair as she pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Shh, it's all right."

They lay for a long while, Clara's head nestled in the curve of Rose's neck while Rose continued to stroke her hair, and finally Clara murmured, "We should get back to the TARDIS."

"If that's what you want."

Clara nodded, and they moved to get out of bed, putting their shoes back on before leaving the flat, hands joined between them.


	4. Chapter 4

"Okay, let's see, what else," Rose murmured, staring up at her ceiling. "Oh! He's funnier."

"Yes, that's very true," Clara replied, adding it to the list she was making.

"Better dancer," Rose suggested.

"Normally I'd say that's debatable, but in this case, definitely," Clara said, laughing as she wrote it down.

"Better smile. Better kisser. Way cuter."

Clara smiled as she added those things to her list. It was something she'd decided to do as a way to help her brain separate the Doctor from the aliens that took her, make a list of all the ways the Doctor was different and better, and Rose had happily agreed to help.

So far, they had a rather extensive list going, and Clara was pleased to see that it actually seemed to be working. The more she thought about him, the easier it was to distinguish the Doctor from the aliens who had tried to impersonate him, but progress was still slow.

"I'll tell you the biggest, most important difference of all," Rose said, rolling over onto her stomach and meeting Clara's eyes in a level stare. "He loves you more than anything in the universe, and he would never, ever hurt you."

Clara nodded, her gaze dropping to her notepad. "I know. I'm just still trying to work through this whole mess in my head."

"I know," Rose said softly, scooting closer so she could kiss Clara's temple. "But you're doing better. At least you can stand to be in the same room with him now."

"Yeah, and that's helping too. Hopefully it won't be too much longer before I can put all of this behind me."

 

"Doctor, what is this part of the festival again?" Rose asked.

"Bit like the running of the bulls at Pamplona, except it's the running of the gravlox at Jahaan."

They were standing in the middle of a wide street, surrounded by what had to be hundreds, if not thousands of the planet's inhabitants, all dressed up in vibrant clothing for this week-long festival.

"The biggest difference," the Doctor continued, "is that instead of running away from the gravlox, you stand perfectly still right in the middle of the stampede."

"Seriously?" Clara said apprehensively.

"Yeah. We're perfectly safe. We just can't move."

Rose raised her eyebrows. "Is this like a dinosaurs thing? If we don't move, they can't see us? What happens if we move?"

"You get smacked by a gravlox," the Doctor replied, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Right then," Rose muttered.

Anxiety churned in Clara's stomach. The day so far had progressed happily, with the three of them enjoying the festival, but now, faced with the prospect of a stampede of gravlox, and standing closer to the Doctor than she had in months, the day was beginning to take a sharp downturn.

"It's about to start," the Doctor murmured. "Remember, don't move."

Clara swallowed, peering around the Doctor in the direction everybody else was looking. While she might be uneasy standing this close to him, she was also grateful for the shield he provided; she didn't know what a gravlox was, but she didn't think she was too keen on getting hit by one.

The crowd around them fell silent, and Clara swallowed again, her heart beginning to pound faster. A low rumble filled the air, the sound of many feet, or hooves, or something, pounding the pavement, and without realizing what she was doing, her hand found its way inside the Doctor's. He gripped her fingers, and she held her breath as the hoof beats grew louder, and yes, they were hoof beats, confirmed when the creatures finally appeared. They looked almost like horses, but were a bit larger with longer hair that was a curious pale pink color.

They whooshed by, sending up a light, refreshing breeze, and when one of them brushed Clara's arm, the hair was softer than anything she'd ever felt.

All told, it was a rather peaceful experience, and when the last of the gravlox had passed through, a cheer rose up from the crowd. The sudden rush of noise pulled Clara from her reverie, and she withdrew her hand from the Doctor's, taking a step back.

"Some stampede," Rose said, laughing as she turned to face the two of them. "That was like a herd of stuffed animals migrating, what kind of danger is that?"

"I never outright said they were _dangerous_ ," the Doctor retorted. "Getting hit by one would hurt though, their hair is soft, but their bodies are very solid."

Rose laughed and shook her head, and they both looked at Clara. Their smiles faded, and the Doctor looked down at his hand, like he'd only just realized that Clara had let it go.

"You all right?" Rose asked, stepping around the Doctor to stand in front of Clara.

"Yeah, I'm just –" Clara frowned down at the ground, and then shook her head. "I'm just – kind of overwhelmed. I think I might head back to the TARDIS."

"I'll go with you," Rose said.

Clara shook her head again. "No, you don't have to –"

Rose shrugged. "I'm getting kind of tired, myself. Doctor?"

"You two go on," he murmured. "Couple more things I wanted to see."

Rose nodded, and reached for Clara's hand as the two of them headed back to the TARDIS.

 

Clara awoke later that night with a start, swallowing the scream that threatened to escape as she sat up in bed. She kicked the covers off and looked down at herself, trying to catch her breath. She was alone in the room, no hands were touching her, and she closed her eyes as she tipped her head back, breathing deeply through her nose.

Even if logically she knew nobody had been touching her, she could still feel the sensation of too many long-fingered hands on her body, on her skin, touching and probing in places they didn't belong.

With a shudder, she climbed quickly out of bed and stripped her clothes off as she stepped into her bathroom to shower. She scrubbed her skin until she finally felt normal again, and leaned her forehead against the shower wall, shaking her head at herself.

This was getting out of hand. It had been months since Rose and the Doctor had saved her, and yet she was still stuck in this limbo, not moving back, but not moving forwards either. Just stuck.

She emerged from the shower and patted her skin dry before dressing in fresh pajamas and stepping from the room. She hoped Rose might be awake, but when she poked her head into the other girl's room, saw that her bed was empty.

 _Probably with the Doctor_ , Clara thought, her heart heavy. She shuffled back to her room for her slippers and bathrobe, and then left once more.

Wandering the corridors was something she did when she couldn't sleep. The TARDIS never seemed to let her get lost, so more often than not, she didn't even pay attention to where she was going, trusting the ship to get her back to wherever she needed to be.

Her mind drifted to Rose and the Doctor, and she sighed, folding her arms over her chest. She wasn't jealous that they were together, just sad that she wasn't with them. She knew they hadn't excluded her because they didn't want her there, but rather because this was the current state of affairs, and she had no one to blame for that other than herself.

This limbo she was in was something of her own creation; she should be moving past what happened to her, but she was still having nightmares, still afraid of the Doctor, and for what? She certainly wasn't still protecting herself; the aliens who had hurt her were long gone, and the Doctor posed no danger to her. Why was she keeping herself from him, from the love he gave her? She couldn't keep saying that she loved him and missed him when she still shied away from him whenever he got too close, when the mere action of holding his hand provoked nightmares.

The only person holding her back was herself, and if she wanted both Rose and the Doctor in her life again, she was the one who had to start moving forward. The change had to begin with her.

With a sigh, she finally lifted her gaze, and stopped in her tracks. She was outside the Doctor's room, and she glanced around at the ship.

"Not quite _that_ fast," she muttered as she turned away.

A few minutes later, she was in the kitchen, and smiled to herself as she set about making a cup of tea.

 _Tomorrow_ , she thought as she sipped at her tea. Tomorrow she would seriously start getting her life back to where it had been before those stupid aliens had taken her.

 

Rose rested her head on the Doctor's chest, her hand on his side, thumb rubbing absently over his ribs as his fingers combed idly through her hair. The sex had been more for comfort than anything else, but there was something missing, and the Doctor put voice to it as Rose thought it.

"I miss Clara."

"I know," Rose murmured.

"How – how is she?" he asked, and she could hear a tinge of frustration in his words as he added, "I get to see her now, but she hardly talks to me, she won't get close to me, and I can't get a read on her."

Rose sighed. "Honestly, I'm not sure. She says she misses you, she acts like she wants to be close to you again, but at the same time, it's like she's not really trying. I don't get it. I don't know enough about this kind of stuff to be much help."

The Doctor sighed too, lifting one hand to his forehead. "All of this is my fault."

Rose sat up, her eyebrows drawing together as she looked down at him. "How is this your fault?"

"I took us to that planet; I shouldn't have let Clara come out with me –"

"Doctor, when has Clara _ever_ listened when you told her not to do something? Not saying it's her fault either, but that's just who she is. You had no way of knowing what would happen. It's the risk we take when we step through those doors."

"I don't want to put you at risk," he murmured, his expression pained. "Either of you."

"I know, but you can't control everything. That's part of the experience of traveling like we do. Even though a lot of it is good and fun, some of it is bad and scary, and that's just the way it is. One way or another, we will all get past this."

The Doctor stared up at her a moment, and then smiled. "You've gotten so wise, Rose Tyler."

"Time Lord influence," she replied, the corner of her mouth rising as she bent to kiss him.


	5. Chapter 5

"So, where to today?" the Doctor said as he bounded into the console room, where Rose and Clara were chatting on the jump seat.

"Somewhere fun," Rose said.

"Not too dangerous," Clara added. "No more stampedes."

"Well, that limits my choices," the Doctor muttered, his lips twitching when both Rose and Clara giggled.

They watched him stroll around the console, hands in his pockets and his head tipped back in thought, and Clara couldn't help smiling as she looked at him. It had been a few weeks since that day with the gravlox in Jahaan, and it was becoming easier and easier for Clara to see the Doctor for who he was without the memories of the other aliens intruding, and bit by bit, she was starting to feel like her old self again.

The more she thought about it, the more she decided that her stagnation had not been because she was afraid of the Doctor, at least not directly, but because she was afraid of getting hurt again in general. Staying away from the Doctor had meant safety; it meant planets with warm winds and beautiful sunsets and bustling markets that posed no danger. While these things were nice, they were also safe, and boring, and only half of what made traveling through time and space exciting. The other half was the adventure of it all, holding tight to the Doctor's hand and running for their lives, and she missed that as much as she missed the Doctor.

Climbing the hurdle of her fear of getting hurt again was the issue, and in the weeks since she'd made the decision to start moving forward, the thought that the Doctor would never hurt her, that he would protect her with his own life, had been a constant, comforting reminder that she kept at the forefront of her mind.

Physical contact was becoming easier too; she no longer shied away from hand or arm brushes. In fact, brief moments of contact were growing longer, and now his touch didn't invoke nightmares or bad memories, but rather very good memories, and a slowly building desire for his hands to be in places where they were sorely missed.

"Ah ha!" the Doctor said abruptly. "I know the perfect place. Off we go!"

The girls sprang off the jump seat, and the Doctor told them where to stand, telling Clara to "watch this dial here". She grinned and nodded, and he grinned back, bolstered as he moved to take position.

With a jolt, they were off, the Doctor running around the console like usual, checking on Rose and Clara and making adjustments as needed. At one point, he grabbed Clara's hand and placed it on the dial.

"Keep it turned right there," he said, raising his eyebrows as he looked at her. His touch made her skin tingle, and she could see in his eyes that he suddenly thought he'd done something wrong, but she just smiled, and he gave her a slow grin before moving to check Rose.

Finally, they landed with a hard thud, Rose and Clara clinging to the console as they swayed, but managed to stay upright.

"So, where are we, then?" Rose asked when they were all steady, eyes sparkling as she looked at the Doctor.

"Paraxis 9," he replied, grinning. "The beach planet. Go get your beach gear. Swimsuits, sun block, whatever else you need. Let's have a day of holiday."

As soon as the three of them had changed, they left the TARDIS, and Rose and Clara gasped.

"This isn't just a beach," Clara breathed. "It's a resort!"

The skies were a clear, cloudless blue, pristine white sand stretched out as far as they could see, curving in the distance, and the water was the same color as the sky, and just as clear. A large hotel was set back from the beach, and beings, humanoid and otherwise, dotted the beach and resort spaces. Behind the hotel, and following the curve of the beach, were a series of high hills and rocky cliffs that looked perfect for hiking.

"Oh, can we make this a real holiday? Like, a week?" Rose asked, spinning to look up at the Doctor, a hopeful expression on her face. "It's so beautiful."

Clara's face wore an equally hopeful expression, and the Doctor grinned, so easily swayed by the desires of these two women he loved so much.

"All right. We'll make it a real holiday. Go back inside and pack a bag if you want, and I'll go get us a room."

Rose and Clara hurried back inside the TARDIS while the Doctor started towards the hotel, and when they met up again, he led them to their room.

"Now _this_ is a holiday," Rose said with a grin as they stepped inside the suite. The kitchen was on the right as soon as they walked through the door, while to the left was the dining area, and straight ahead was the living room, with what appeared to be a terrace leading off of it.

"Figured we should go all out," the Doctor replied, grinning too. "Bedroom's through there," he added, pointing to a door just past the kitchen. "You two can share the bed, it's nicely sized. And whatever you – you feel like doing together is fine. I don't mind."

The implication was clear, and Rose and Clara glanced at each other, smiles playing on their lips, though they didn't say anything as they took their bags into the bedroom.

"Oh, look," Clara said as she walked past the bed. "The terrace is over here too."

Rose joined her as she pulled open the door, and they stepped outside, broad smiles crossing their faces as a breeze picked up.

"This might be just what I need," Clara murmured as she leaned against the railing.

Rose sidled up beside her, sliding her arm around Clara's waist as she rested her chin against the other girl's shoulder, and Clara looked over at her with a smile. Her eyes scanned Rose's face, taking a moment to admire her features, and she dipped her head to touch a soft kiss to the other girl's lips.

They all headed down to the beach a little while later and spent much of the day there, enjoying the sun and the water. Though Rose and Clara had seen the Doctor in various states of undress, it was a bit of a sight to see him in just his swim trunks in public, pale skin on full display, and they found themselves giggling when he emerged from the water, his hair sticking up in all directions.

"This is like being in Hawaii or something," Rose remarked during a break from the ocean, lying on her stomach as she looked over at the Doctor.

"Well, it's supposed to be," he replied matter-of-factly, frowning vaguely as he brushed away some beads of water trailing slowly down his legs. "It's an amalgamation of all of the most beautiful beaches and islands on Earth. There are other beaches, and other hotels, all over this planet. It's like you said, it's basically a resort planet."

Rose glanced at Clara, who was propped up on her elbows on Rose's other side, and they shared a smile.

 

On the third day, they decided to spend the day hiking through the hills and along the cliffs. The Doctor nattered on about the animals and plant life, identifying where on Earth each had come from, and Clara smiled as she listened. He was almost solidly just her Doctor again, and she was glad he had brought them here, and had agreed to stay for a while. This planet was a good mix of familiar and alien, and it was another solid reminder of why she loved traveling with the Doctor so much.

The sun was setting when they reached one of the cliff edges, and they stood together, admiring the view.

"This is so beautiful," Rose said softly, hugging the Doctor's arm and resting her cheek against it. He squeezed her fingers, turning his head to drop a kiss to the top of hers, and a beat later, looked over in surprise when he felt Clara take his other hand. Her fingers curled around his palm, and she looked up at him as she brought her other hand over, now clutching his hand in both of hers. A tentative smile curved her lips, and he smiled back, his hearts leaping as he gently gripped her fingers.

They stood like that until the sun was long set, watching the moonlight reflect off the waves, and then finally headed back to the hotel to change for dinner.

After they ate, they returned to their room, where Rose and Clara showered and got ready for bed. The Doctor was gone when Rose peeked into the living room, and she shrugged as she stepped back into the bedroom, closing the door behind her.

"Probably out for a walk," she said, moving to join Clara on the bed. "Or stirring up trouble. You know how he is."

Clara laughed as she nodded, and reached over to run her finger over Rose's arm.

"You've gotten browner."

"So have you," Rose replied with a smile. "So, how are you doing? You look better."

"I feel better," Clara said. "I really do. This place is just... amazing. I was thinking about it earlier, it's like it's enough like Earth to feel familiar, but also alien enough to remind me that I'm traveling through time and space with a _literal_ alien."

Rose laughed, and Clara smiled.

"But I'm feeling more like myself, and remembering that I love the Doctor. I held his hand tonight, and it didn't feel... weird or anything. It felt nice."

"That's really good to hear. He's missed you so much, and I know you've missed him."

Clara nodded, still smiling. "I'm almost there."

"I'm so glad," Rose murmured, placing her hand over Clara's and giving it a squeeze.

"I love you too, you know," Clara said.

Rose smiled again, that brilliant, megawatt smile that was so unique to her. "I know. And I love you."

Clara leaned forward, lifting her hand to Rose's neck as she kissed her. She felt a little desperate, like she had all those weeks ago in her flat, but this time she was desperate only for Rose, wanting to be close to her again in every way possible.

The kiss broke, and Clara took a breath as she sat back, her hand lingering on Rose's neck a moment until she pulled it away. Her hands dropped to the bottom of her tank top, and she tugged it off over her head, lifting her gaze to Rose's face.

"Are you sure?" Rose asked softly. Clara nodded, the corner of her mouth rising, and Rose smiled as she leaned forward for another kiss, her fingers threading in Clara's hair as she slowly pushed her down onto the bed.

 

The Doctor walked along the beach, hands in his pockets and eyes on the ground. The beach was almost deserted, aside from a couple walking quite a ways in front of him, so he was alone with his thoughts, just as he'd hoped.

There was a sensation in the back of his mind, a warm, comforting feeling that he was familiar with, though usually he only felt it when he and Rose and Clara were having sex together, or sharing a particularly intimate moment. He didn't mind that Rose and Clara were together without him; in fact, he had almost hoped they would take advantage of their shared bedroom to have some intimate time. More than anything else, he just wanted Clara to be comfortable and happy again, and was glad that she seemed to be getting there.

The past few months had been difficult, knowing she was in so much pain, but being unable to help her. The fear in her eyes when she saw him, the way she always kept her distance when they were in the same room, the knowledge that he couldn't go to her when he heard her screaming from a nightmare, had been like a knife pressed constantly against his hearts.

Things had been changing, though. Now, she smiled when she saw him, and though they weren't quite to the same level of physical interaction as before, she was letting him touch her hand or her arm without jerking away. He'd been surprised when she took his hand earlier that day, but when he felt the way she'd gripped his fingers, and saw the soft smile on her face, hope had blossomed inside of him. It was just one more step in the right direction, and he couldn't wait to be with her again in all the ways he'd been before, to hug her, and touch her, and kiss her whenever he wanted to. He couldn't wait to have both her and Rose in his bed again, to see and hear them together again, to have them snuggled up beside him, hearing their soft breathing and steady heartbeats as they slept.

It was obvious that Clara was making great progress, and though he couldn't deny that part of him was impatient for things to be like they used to be, he intended to give her as much time and space as she needed to be completely comfortable and at ease with him again.

 

They left a few days later, and Rose sighed as they brought their bags into the TARDIS.

"We have to add this one to the favorites, okay?" she said.

The Doctor laughed as he nodded, and Rose grinned, and then gasped, her hand flying to the top of her head.

"Oh, blimey, I dropped my sunglasses. I'll be right back."

She darted from the TARDIS, the door creaking closed behind her, and Clara watched the Doctor fiddle with the console before she took a breath and said his name. He turned to look at her, raising his eyebrows as he leaned against the console, and she moved closer to him. She contemplated him for a moment, and then stepped right up to him, one hand gripping his arm as she lifted the other to the back of his neck and pushed up on her toes to press her lips to his.

The kiss was tentative to start, like she was testing to see how she felt about it, but then he felt her relax, almost melting into him. He let her control the kiss, let her direct how it was going to go, but when he felt her relax, he did too, his arm sliding around her waist as he kissed her back.

"I'm sorry," she breathed when the kiss broke, dropping down flat on her feet.

"For what?" he murmured, his breath warm on her forehead as he moved with her, not wanting to lose the closeness he had missed for so long.

"For everything. The past few months –"

"Shh," he whispered. "You don't need to apologize for anything. If anybody's sorry, it's me –"

"No," Clara interrupted as she pulled back to look up at him. "If I can't apologize, then neither can you."

The Doctor gave a short laugh, and Clara smiled. "Thank you. For being so patient with me, and for understanding. For not dumping me back on Earth."

The Doctor shook his head, his eyes intense against hers. "I wouldn't have done that. I'll never do that. The only reason I would take you back to Earth and leave you there is if you decided you wanted me to."

Clara shook her head too. "I don't think that'll ever happen."

The Doctor smiled, and Clara leaned into him, wrapping her arms tightly around his middle as she pressed her cheek to his chest. He hugged her back, dropping a kiss to the top of her head, and then rested his cheek against it, smiling broadly.

The door creaked open then, and Rose stepped back inside, sunglasses perched on top of her head. She started up the ramp, and then came up short at the sight of Clara and the Doctor.

A slow smile spread across her face, and the Doctor grinned back at her, holding Clara a little bit tighter. She squeezed him, closing her eyes as she sighed happily, finally feeling like she was truly home again.

No matter what she'd been through, in the end, the good would always outweigh the bad, and no matter what, the Doctor would always be there.


End file.
